confuse

so now we fell apart. and just like 24 hours ago we were like dying to be together. hrmmm.. i am really confused ....
i am sorry for hurting you and making life like hell.
everything has its limit. i really did tried my best not to hurt you
i just wanna make u happy. to just see that smile on your face.
but baby you are now gone..
i am really confused now.
what do i want now?


is there forever and ever?

is this the end of me?

today is the day when things go wrong and people come together.

1st thing happened in the day - my gf broke off with me
2nd played soccer with my cousins and uncle
3rd i broke down the whole day because i only found out the 1st part after playing soccer
4th went back home all my relatives were at my house for Hari Raya Haji
5th my cousin also had the same problem with me which is the 1st
6th talk things out tried to make each other feel better
7th she calls me to tell me she made up her mind
Last - i seriously dont know what to do now =(

sometimes i feel that things happen for a reason which i dont see it now.
tml is my exam. sunday my brother's wedding. next week my gig.
what a time that things happen. :S

proud arrogant backfire effect

well i been wanting to improve playing table tennis but it seems like i am not in the favour of the one being to improve . every time i come to play the first thing they would say is i am gonna lose cause they have improve. i mean like wtf. i come to play for fun and it seems the enjoy just trashing me at it. so yea. maybe i just give up playing so they wont have the pleasure anymore to do that. life is full of shit . and ends up i am always the bad guy who is arrogant and proud . lol . in the first place who is ? watever man. fucked up life. just because i had something on earlier they wanted to badly to see me lose.

i miss my baby =(

choice

hey yo its been a freaking long time since i last blog? anyway alot of things has happen in my life. As you all know i play guitar for Beyond Crimson Horizon. But well i guess it will come to an end soon. Not good enough to be part of the band so yea. i guess i will be taking my leave. and well i am currently trying out the other bands. sometimes i ever wonder what makes a band. but i guess its my downfall ever since new members came into the band and i have been heavily brought down with my style of playing and sucky skills. they wanted to push me to keyboards for BCH but i guess i might as well take my leave since i cant play the guitar. even being a 3rd guitarist i think i would be the lousiest.

I still remember the times when i just join the band. it was like so fun.. no pressure and we just play. but as times goes by .. drummers after drummers.. i still played like how i used to but this time suddenly they said that my timing is wrong and i am SUCKY.
after such a long time jamming together and because of new members i am being like in a difficult position. and after not jamming as a band for a very long long time . Rex is trying to keep me in the band to just play keyboards.

Last saturday we had a jamming session with a new drummer (just trying out) he went out of beat a couple of times. but average he is okay can improve. BEcause i have been sucky the past few session including at HOME CLUB, i trained on my guitar parts before the jamming and the days before. Hoping they would see some improvement. BUt guess wad happen during the jamming session. Rex suddenly told the drummer and ME to watch our timing. i swear to god that how can i be out of time when i never even play the part? and the rest of the members who are instrument players say nothing. well personally i felt i improve but to them i din soooooo. yeaa... after all those practices i made for the band like gone to drain. as long as i stayed in the band.

so now they making the bassist to overtake my lead guitar and a new bassist is comming along with a new drummer.. soooo yea... i guess thats the reason what make me decide to leave the band. after jamming around together for like almost a year. it ends..

and this is what i feel and think.
Rex keep saying i am EGO dont wanna admit my mistakes and like EGO EGO EGO. i seriously felt like shit because i admited my mistakes and wads the EGO about?
Being in a Band where improvement = perfection?
if i move to keys it would be no better to my music ..
thats why i decided to find a new band where i can master my skills and improve,
and incase for u guys to know we jam like 2-3weeks once? sometimes months.

All i know is i wanna be a better musician
have i made the right choice?

here without you

and there she went through the doors to the other side. all i could do was just to see her walking her walk away like nothing is wrong. it was just a glimpse of short moment i could hug her and kiss her goodbye and yet the torture is 11 days. even before the plane took off i started missing her terribly alot. she called me later saying her last words before taking off and there she goes...

about 10 hour later she called me from thailand. but she was in a hurry.. it only lasted less than 2mins on the phone. and an email from her.
since then...... there was no contact till today..

i been thinking alot about her.. i dont know what to do.. so i just kept emailing her everyday. hoping that she would response. i miss her so much but i just couldnt reach out to her. maybe my cry wasnt far enough for her to sense that i needed her that badly. 3 days without anything its scary. also after finding out there was a bomb at thailand . at the southern part. she is in the northen part thank god. but still a response tell me that yur okay would do good and i know that she is safe and sound.a small effort just to response would just save the day for us. i cant possible force forget she existed right? i love her thats why i felt like this . because she is not in my arms . i dun blame her for anything but sometimes i just feel sad at times like these when i dont even know how she is doing. i pray for her safety and hope she has a great time over there.

torn from baby arm
absence cause us harm
thoughts of the unknown
tears held up strongly
wish upon the stars
that you could hear my cry
so that i see you once more
with one small effort
save the day for us

meet the parents

okay.. today only attended 1 hour of class in school and then went to davis guitar again to buy some stuff and then send my sweetie home =)

and guess what i send her to tampinies , to her bus stop, to her block, to her lift , to her door stop, to her house!! wat haha.. meet the parents was fun =) nice people got lots of cakes and drinks but yea i was shy. so yea.. update more tml brb.

A whole new happy life =)

hi everyone, 2008 has been so far been a good start for me. things has been quite shaky here and there but well i guess everything has been great for me. Its been a really really long time ever since i was this happy. =) This whole new love thing with my girl friend has really lighten up my life and i am so greatful to have such a charming and sweet girlfriend. And now i have found the thing i always wanted and this time round i will treasure her even more and try my very best not to ruin it. Its a blessing for me that someone like her came into my life and promise never to leave me and i appreciate it very very much .

Life is more fun than ever! =) I never been this happy before. And i thank her for everything she does for me. We laugh,cry,sing and even Dance!! haha.. I don't whats more to come but its just so fun . And i dearly miss her badly when i don't see her for a short moment. No matter how far the distance it takes to see her , as long we walk towards each other its such a small world after all .

And also my band is doing our demo now. I have a damn good feeling it rocks because yea the drums , guitar and i can literally feel the lyrics how it gonna be sung like . ROCK ON BROS!

And I love u sweetie! Muack =)

the photos of a new start

yeay.. thats me and her on our first day out together as a couple =)

Even more and forever more

Well i guess its been really really a long time since the last time i updated my blog. What made me suddenly to blog again? Its because i have finally managed to move on with life with someone new to my life now. Its been for abt 2 freaking years of my pathetic life since i ever felt love. I lost hope,shed ,crushed , broke down and abandoned. I think that the time has finally come for me to finally move one with life now because i finally found something i been looking for a long time.

Age doesn't really matter , does it? i dun give a damn. All i care is how good on the inside. And thats the way it should always be. =) Everything just seems to much clearer now as there is a new sense of hope and happiness. You must be wondering why is this person so special to me that made such a huge impact in my life. She isnt just anybody, she is like the answer from my prayers . And i thank god everyday for giving an angel to love and look after.

Anyway her name is hazirah from my school too NP. Isnt that cool haha.. same school, same year . And what she is all about i couldn't ask for more, because she is the most understanding girl ever. We never even argue about anything? not even a word of anger? Only good things like we will always say. And give in to each other all the time. I really couldn't find the exact to tell her how much i love her and appricate her really alot. It has been 5 days since we just got together. We got together on Christmas. She is my best Christmas present ever.

A new start, new hope, new passion and love =)

sad long day

i woke up this morning having this anxious feeling for my car test today. even the past few nights i had nightmare that some things in life i just cant get and it just gets even further. i went there an hour earlier for my car warm up before the test. everything was perfect. but yet during the test i screwed up big big big time =(
my very first course the vertical parking which was one of the easiest task to do but yet i screwed up.. the fucking rain!!! why why why? =( because of that my judgement wasnt accurate and it screwed up my parking. and later suddenly the tester tap the front so i did the emergency brake and almost everything from the back flew to the front. i was shocked but well its the correct thing that i did how to stop the car but after that i did the most stupid mistake ever. to change lane late and end up changing on a bend and obstruct the road.. because of this 3 stupid stupid mistake it cause my license =(

maybe i am just born not to have such privilege ? i dunnoe yet confused.. got to wait another 4 months!!! for the next test.. haiz.... damn damn sad.

anyway yat and i rented a car today and we drove around to have some fun. but still at the back of my mind my stupid mistake to fail the test. because everything else i did was close to perfect.. oh my =(

i just got home and yea feeling down.. so that means i am gonna get my bike first as the test is in 2 months. i wish myself all the best. lol..

a picture of my new love =)

Blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it

That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

BACK TO LIFE!!

HEY YO! finally i recovered from my sickness after 1 week BEING SICK AND CANT DO MUCH!! muahaha.. i hope i could complete my band's demo by this weekend so we could sign up for baybeats next year. well life been quite nice this year i suppose? get alot of stuffs? hrmm more happening than ever !

i damn lazy to blog now days.. because no mood ..
well i upload my band pics when we are done this weekend

cheers!!!

Accepted back to SCHOOL!

yea i am back to SCHOOL! woot!! =)
better focus and don't fool around anymore ming
go finish my bike prac faster then get bike so can buy more time to relax ? haha
well if i got bike i go home early everyday also can
hari raya is comming fasting still never miss 1 day muhaha yea !

Can you feel your heart beat racing?

Talk to Rex on the phone last night. And he said that he wants to make it happen that our band perform at DXO this novemeber . Well i also badly want to perform at DXO. anyway just met my fren who came over near my place to tell me abt some business stuff. kinda of interesting. my ambition is always about making money and doing the the things i ever wanted. It hit me hard that i can't always drool over my bad education results. after all its a qualification that i need to work. and that money is limited and its not guarantee that its stable that i get that amount of money. i have always believe that investing in business and making my own business is the way to make money. and you don't need a high qualification to do that. it somehow made me look towards the bright side of life. my fren also drop out like me, said that don't see it as a bad thing i got expelled from school. maybe its a sign or something. this is my downfall of life , thats what my parents see me . well if its my downfall , i don't blame anyone. i always too believe that life is about ups and downs. too bad that my parents dun think that way. i do really want to achieve the things i have set my goal for.

In this world when people talk business , they say its bullshit
until you show them the money at their face
its the money that will shut them up
infact people who say its bullshit are the cowards
who don't dare to take the risk
i am willing to suffer all the pain i am having now to work towards my goal.

The day I tried to be a better man

well yea my results came.. my biggest nightmare came through. happy?
i got kick out of school. i am going to NS. happy?
well maybe its fated for me to go through this.
went to school wif my parents and bro to appeal against my dismissal earlier today. they said have a chance.. maybe. 2 out of 10?
i think i better prepare myself for NS.
i imagined this when i was taking the exams. i guess no body knew how scared i was. and now its no use being scared.
even before my results came. i swear if i pass and get to continue i would really study like a mad dog. haiz..
my family wants me to changed? stop music? stop all my life?
finding it hard to accept to really stop music . i dunnoe why even i knew studies came first. who doesnt want to change to be a better person.
my parents thought its my music that distract me the most.
well i find it hard to accept la.
but i have to change.
and i come to realise that actually i spend most of my time
doing nothing?
really nothing?
i been slacking , sleeping, lepaking too much i think.
if i were to put my studies ahead of all the things i wanna do
then i can do whatever i want.
i dun think they trust me anymore.
thats why i think i might as well go ns to lose all my freedom.
its like losing my life.
i know its important. but its just like so dead la.. i cannot live wif it.
sorry i think like a small boy. but i too wanna make my own decisions.
i am turning 20 next year. and still i am like u know . being told to study and all.. haiz.. how to change like that. dun blame them but i wish i had the chance to learn things the hard way. because the easy way doesnt get in my head.
what am i talking? shit... my mind is going nuts
okok i will change.
seriously i will.
but please dun tell me what to cut and all. i want to make my own decision to know what i want to choose. i know i always tend to do so many things at 1 time. but well okok.. i list down now and see if its better
1 studies
2 music (np strings and my own band)

is that alot?

well i guess its hard for some people to understand how much i am gonna change. well. , no point talking so much. i got to show it to them. well if u think i am talking too much here? this is a blog . come one its thoughts in my head. i am not like gonna tell people by mouth what i mention here rite?

okok

may tml be a better day

my grandma's journey to JB

Back playing soccer,back to injury

hey yesterday had my first soccer match in don't know how many months? felt so damn rusty.. well the game was at tampinies safra !! damn far.. but well the new field paid it off =) playing on new artificial grass.. was quite a though game but well we lost 3-2 . could had scored more on our side. and yea i think i am damn rusty now playing. i was given the left back position . the position that i played in secondary school days. well the 1st half of the match i was dying because my stamina is draining me up very fast. i almost wanted to faint. well i held on till half time. i was wasting way to much energy trying to chase the players and overlap . 2nd half was better as i manage to pace my energy out evenly. even had a decent shot but gone wide. better than 1st half. well my legs are weak now. and my stamina . alot of work out and training has to be done! even my control and passing. i miss being on tip top condition playing and always make a difference in the team. well now my legs are aching because i got tackled quite badly in the first half. the guy boots landed on my left ankle while i cleared the ball. can see the boot marks on my leg now lol.. okok going to driving lesson now and later going for my guitar lesson.

empty

hello i know its been quite awhile since i last updated my blog.. well i just came back from chek wye birthday outing. and its like 3.15AM now OMG! feeling super shagged.. well zero to hero competition is finally over. well i assume we are all noe heros? i dun feel like i accomplish much. rather disappointed with myself.. well i really had fun with u guys jamming and all but i am just u noe stubborn just not happy with myself for not doing being.. i am not a hero till i overcome my greatest challenge. i know my mentally is very competitive and its very bold and dumb.

all i wanna say is that i am proud of drop-d to pull off a good show even we did everything at the very last min. well something that struck me was when one of the judges told me this "you are a good man, dun let others tell you otherwise" and chek wye gave me a pad on my back. well feel kind of relief. my vocal i can still say it sucks to the core. the only thing i had was my showman ship going nuts and act like as though i am some superstar trying to impress the crowd. it really feels great holding the mic and have hundred of eyes watching you. well i really love to be somebody someday to be a front man and have the power. what they always call it " with the lift of your fingers, you lift up the world "

currently i have alot alot of things i been thinking about. and i felt that sometimes my life is kinda of empty. the only thing i feel comfortable filling in is music. well i hope that i can add more spices to my life than just being like this forever.i rather die . getting sick of the same stuff everyday. and when i take a look around. i just envy of all the things that i dun have. its just killing me.

its a cold day
my heart is empty
arms feeling weak
eyes wide shut

mind in an illusion
memories elude
hopes turned cold
soul is dying

stain on my shirt
torn out of baby arms
tears came crashing
smell of dead roses

saw the light at the end of the road
its dark and freezing cold here
dreamt of an angel
telling me everythings okay

but when i open my eyes
it was empty

challengers

hello back from camp thats a pic of me and mark celebrating our 1st yea anniversary. and thats vell with chee ko pek smile and suren wif his lame face hahaha.. well camp was quite a turn off.. well made some new frens here and there. damn tired now anyway. dun know what to do for the rest of the holidays =(