thoughts

okay today was a day agian that i think and think think think...
this feels like one month ago how it all started.. i am just gonna type everything down this time.. i discovered something last nite quite shocking.. its a secret la.. so yea.. i dun think i wanna say it here.. well its something maybe i should had know so much earlier.. i think almost everyone i know in jj noes abt me chasing this gal.. lol.. but than since the start of jj everyone keeps making fun of me wif gal by gal.. so many.. the turth is that i only had one.. but its not really the start of jj i had this started.. its was more like abt the 3rd week onwards.. yea here i go.. this is my tale..

well..this gal is in my class..only started to really talk to her around chinese new year that time.. cause we went to orchard togther to meet the class as she came from her sec skool ,i was from home.. so yea clementi was the spot.. since than i started to know her more little by little... it din't really caught my attention immediately.. cause i am like okay.. just talk whatever crap i have.. everyone gets my crap talking.. slowly i started messaging her and talking to her on the phone.. since the night which she cried alot alot.. even msn talk still can pause to like cry first.. weird but than i know she is deeply hurt by her problems.. that night was the starting of everything to me.. because of that chat on msn.. it lead to me talking on the phone later.. and yea so on we just talk and talk.. slowly i have this feeling that maybe i should like go for her.. cause i found her very sepcial and someone whom makes me wonder abt certain things.. my plan was that i just try my best to make it obvious to show that i like her.. but not tell her directly.. cause i know its gonna be serious if i did that.. so yea.. i started opening myself more and more...

but this made me thought alot too.. because i dunnoe of how or what she thinks.. so its like not nice to make someone feel so werid.. yea i continued chatting wif her all that.. just wanting to know her better to know why i should go for her.. and also to have a better understanding.. somehow.. because of this.. it troubled me to communitcate wif her.. its like i suddenly become so shy... than my fren like hint me that she wun go into relationship cause she wanna study for a levels.. so yea.. i mean like i don't entirely believe thats the reason la.. maybe i felt that my chances were slimmer..

its never nice to feel this way wondering of how the gals feel or think.. its scary.. cause i came wif so many conclusions.. which hunts me.. well valentine's day was a day i wanted to ask her out.. even knowing that we are going in a group.. cause i felt that it would be nicer to like ask her on the phone.. so yea.. i did.. and that took really really alot from me.. but than the outcome wasnt really nice.. ya know.. but in the end still went in a group.. ya that point of time... my hopes were like totally crashed.. because its like maybe she is beyond my reach.. i mean like i felt i wasnt the only one for her.. seriously.. it did made me think that who ever gets her is a lucky man.. so i guessed i aint that lucky.. so yea.. i seriously had troubles to like just leave it like that.. came to conclusion that i do suck at expressing.. its has been my life living wif it.. even my ex.. i did a lousy job expressing not until she was mine.. its hard to tell someone u like about the things u felt.. because the outcome of wad she feels or says.. its just scary to get the answers back..

so yea that very day.. i like start to really let go of this.. but than things somehow refresh.. i mean like.. she still talk and all that.. after having a discussion that she thinks that i don't like her?? so yea.. i was like .. omg... how how?? so i just continued being nice to her.. but than this time.. the feeling i got is much more stronger i had the one b4.. i dunnoe why.. it just keeps me beating when i think of it .. even now.. but than my plan this time was to like take it slow.. and easy.. but i always think that being slow.. i think someone else might catch her instead.. i dunnoe if i am being selfish or wad.. but thats what i really afriad of.. because its like just too heartbreaking to see someone u like telling u that she wanna studys so yea no relationship.. than later u find that she is wif someone else.. its a nightmare.. which i always think of..

having to think so much about chasing her.. i came back to myself and ask.. why her? i dun have a definate answer.. what i can say is that i am following my heart all the way.. cause that brings joy the most.. well can say that she is one of a kind whom i never met in my life.. i mean like its just nice sharing thoughts and story wif her.. dunnoe if she finds it nice anot.. but than.. yea.. i dunnoe.. thats the thing.. but i really missed those time talking to her.. its just something i treasure alot..

on the last day of skool.. i sang a song infront of the class.. which i composed for her.. suppose to only let her listen.. its a song that suppose to say what happened and all that.. well it was a last min thing to like play it in the canteen to let everyone from my class and some others in the canteen to hear.. i never thought i could have done something like that.. i mean like to actually write a song in 1 day and perform a solo when i suck at vocals.. for just her.. it took 101% of me.. later that day.. i remember going to viknesh house.. he talked to me about it.. cause he was by my side when i played.. the thing is that i dunnoe what he thoughts all that.. but i recived a meassge later that night from her.. saying that she wants to study and have personal stress.. so yea she dun wanna have any commitment and hope we could just remain frens.. she likes the song..

that message made me wondered.. is it because that she is really way beyond my reach.. i mean that she is like someone so good that i am not good enough for her.. or is it really because she dun wanna have more burden in life having this.. well i replied that i just wanna know her more so that i could get my answers better.. at the same time to find out why i am really into her.. since i sang that song.. things changed.. i felt that it affected how we talk now alot.. its like more general now.. just normal talk.. nothing much special.. maybe alittle..

the thing is that i wondered most is that did she ever felt for me.. or still does.. this 2 answer is very important to me.. because its like to decide if i should go on or not.. and yea this made me drag all the way till now.. i mean like i am not wanting the answer that if she wants to get into relationship wif me.. thats something naturally will be decided.. but now .. i till today have no answers if she ever like me.. i mean like if she does enjoy my company.. i will make her enjoy everyday of her life...all i wanted to see from her is her being happy.. which mattered most of all..

anyway.. to me .. love is never a burden... its always something extra specially for us to have.. cause whenever you are in the lowest point of life..u have someone to fall back on who believes in you.. that drives you to things u never imagined u could achieve.. its like an extra gear in you.. everything u do.. the reason is because of love..

well.. i always regret for not doing certain things in life.. which makes me so foolish.. the things i wanted to do.. i acutally wrote a lyrics out of it.. goes something like this.. "she is always there in my dreams, me telling her how much i felt for her. but its just a dream, if only could this be real. to look into her eyes and tell her how much i love her" its was when i going home just now from orchard.. very long bus ride.. because i actually wanted to send her home .. so ya she went up the bus.. i couldnt bring myself to go.. so yea i regret.. could had took that chance to do it ...

just because of her.. i have so much deep thoughts.. and getting to know that its her and because of her making me think like this.. is like wow.. she is really someone special to me.. that drove my spirit for 2 months.. even the times we had were short.. and maybe not special to her.. it did really gave me alot of things to learn in life..

knowing her was a blessing.. she is like an angel so high up there.. and i just wait and watch her.. the greatest chase of my life.. she took my heart away.. and yet i am here.. just waiting.. =)

guess that this post will be really the longest of all post.. btw if she gets to read this.. actually this is how much i wanna tell her abt my thoughts.. and hearing the answer right from her face.. it shall take me to where i head later.. i wished i could tell her this to her eyes..

its 2 am now.. and yes.. watever mention above is something i really kept for very long.. i know it can be selfish or boring.. well.. if it is.. thats life for me.. and hope i could be a better man..and hope my time will come.. to be like robbie williams!! lol. great lyrics .. love it..

well i hope that this won't make things worse.. and sorry to her if it did.. i shall shut up when u tell me to.. this is how much i think almost everyday.. so pouring it out here.. i hope it will get a better understanding..

playing soccer is my passion and yes soccer is my game and love.. wth.. okay i shut u p now.. its a long post i suppose.. okay

goodbye you

creep

running in circles... coming back to the start
i don't know anything about what is happening..
makes me feel like i am just so lost
i always fear of losing.. but losing is something that makes me learn
but losing it and learning.. is it possible to get it back..?
i shall keep my focus clear and just keep believing..
maybe someday.. it will come true..
or maybe i will just lose hope..
than thats when i start regret..
kill me

kill me

hey mates.. i am totally in chaos now.. my mind is so screwed up.. went chalet yesterday than overnite than this morning play soccer wif mike matin harision and kai.. than go look at laptops wif my parents.. after comming home.. this is when my world statt to become darker.. and i felt like really killing myself.. cause i found out something.. that i should had known long ago.. and now its uselss.. stupid me.. i feel so dumb =( haiz.. this is life.. i suck and tml i shall suck even more .. and so on

day at home

hello!! omg today i watch 4 moives in a row in my own room.. its super boring when u dun have money and u dun have anything on... all i could do is rot at home... today is a day i wasted.. doing nothing.. totally useless.. recently i have been thinking of buying so many things.. man.. this made me wanting to get a job.. even now i am working in coffee bean.. i wanna get another job.. because i want more money to get what i want.. how i wished if i have bigger allowance and get anything i want.. my soccer boots is the only thing i ever work for to get it.. and i just love it.. life can really be boring sometimes.. all i just need to do is just get something to do.. today i just feel soooo lazy.. thats why i watch movies.. think i am gonna watch some more..

hungry now!!!

monday

hello mates.. today i am going to jj to watch a soccer match agianst srjc.. dicky's skool.. and i think he will be there haha.. wish i could like trash his ass la.. anyway.. its really boring to like have a long holiday now.. i really feel like start skool now and just study study.. soccer soccer... seriously.. i suddenly felt the urge to like become an engineer.. its a good thing because i am going it wif my passion.. hope that poly will still have space for freedom.. well.. skool starts like at april 24th.. gonna go orientation agian... ice breaker agian haha.. i somehow feel like earning alot of cash now.. but coffee bean isnt a kind of job that gives big money if u work hard.. think i might get some factory work to earn big cash.. wanna get myself a new mp3.. new psp.. 2 pair of shoes.. bag.. shirts.. NEW HP!!! i got to earn like a 1000 to really get all this.. mp3.. ipod nano.. cost abt 300 plus.. psp 500plus.. shoes.. maybe around 60 each.. bag getting it likt around 70.. shirt.. get 2 topman shirt.. 140 togther.. haha its aready above 1000.. wanna get a new hp that cost around 500.. hrmm.. i think i should get a better hp than get a mp3.. get a mp3 phone.. but than i just love ipod nano.. its so small and have so many songs.. haiz..

anyway i am really waiting to get the package from ngee poly so i can go and get my laptop!! i am just waiting waiting.. cause if i get it.. i would get a bag also.. gonna get a crumpler bag.. i have been having dreams lately.. its like always abt the same thing or person.. wonder if its a good or bad sign.. haiz.. life is like this.. and i wanna move on..